New Saint Andrews

Do you hunger to have your perspective on reality remain fundamentally unchanged? Are you eager to fill your mind with the knowledge  that you are superior theologically and philosophically to all other college students? Does the thought of attending an institution that challenges you to think for yourself seem frightening? If you answered ‘Yes’ to any of those questions, visit New Saint Andrews in Moscow Idaho!

Part of the problem with colleges nowadays is their messy, diverse viewpoints. At New Saint Andrews, you can rest easy knowing that the founder, president, science teacher, and dean of the graduate program are all from the same family! NSA has made great strides in eliminating any problematic professors or presidents who have viewpoints that may differ slightly from those of Doug Wilson. Those of you who would like to join the power structure in Moscow, Idaho are going to have to wait a bit though… The grandchildren aren’t ready for political marriages yet!

New Saint Andrews does cater to people of many different races, though. In fact, you’ve probably seen all of their non-white students in their advertisements!

The state slogan for Idaho is “Famous Potatoes”. New Saint Andrews is making great strides, but they still haven’t quite made it past the ‘potato’ level of prestige. Hopefully, with the new, cleansed leadership, they’ll be able to propel themselves beyond the coveted ‘potato’ level and Idaho can change it’s slogan to ‘Famous Liberal Arts’!

Don’t let the uniforms and Harvard-of-Idaho aspirations fool you, though. New Saint Andrews returns to its roots often. Many people are fans of the conservative icons on Duck Dynasty, and will go on at length about states rights, the virtues of the southern states in the wars of northern aggression, and how slavery wasn’t really that bad.

 

Despite the black robes that students are required to wear to official events, very few spells are taught at New Saint Hogwarts school of classicalcraft. In fact, it’s really a homey, friendly one-room-schoolhouse type of atmosphere. Homeschoolers will feel right at home!

 

Concerned, wealthy parents shouldn’t worry that their child will ‘fall off the rails’ while they’re at New Saint Andrews. The students are closely monitored. Are you concerned that your child may drift toward liberalism or Catholicism? They have that covered with a zero-tolerance policy toward all other denominations! For those extra concerned parents, there are places available for boarders in the homes of godly, upright, and controlling families within the church! It’ll be like you’re always with them, making sure they avoid harmful new experiences.

Are you worried that your daughter, as a young, headless woman, may become one of those joyless feminazis? Have no fear! At NSA, they understand that women are fundamentally different and and weaker than men, so they’re treated quite differently.

Grades are just numbers, and numbers really aren’t the priority at New Saint Andrews. The wise faculty members there understand that sometimes, individual students need to be taken down a few rungs, regardless of their academic performance.  They are committed to raising your children for you while they’re in their tender college years, and will benevolently assign poor grades to students who are confused about whether or not they agree with their older and wiser professors! Don’t worry, though, students with the right ‘wilsonian’ mindset are rewarded for their wisdom as well!

Above all, it must be remembered that New Saint Andrews is not trying to be a regular run-of-the-mill college. They’re sculpting leaders of their communities, churches, states, and eventually countries. World domination from the base of a Christian Classical education is a top priority. In the culture war that we’re locked into, New Saint Andrews produces excellent soldiers, trained to resist foreign viewpoints and listen to their ordained leaders.

And, don’t forget that our graduates place all over the United States in all sorts of excellent Christian Classical Schools, teaching the things that they have been taught. You might even know one yourself!

They’re everywhere!