New Saint Andrews


Do you hunger to have your perspective on reality remain fundamentally unchanged? Are you eager to fill your mind with the knowledge  that you are superior theologically and philosophically to all other college students? Does the thought of attending an institution that challenges you to think for yourself seem frightening? If you answered ‘Yes’ to any of those questions, visit New Saint Andrews in Moscow Idaho!


Part of the problem with colleges nowadays is their messy, diverse viewpoints. At New Saint Andrews, you can rest easy knowing that the founder, president, science teacher, and dean of the graduate program are all from the same family! NSA has made great strides in eliminating any problematic professors or presidents who have viewpoints that may differ slightly from those of Doug Wilson. Those of you who would like to join the power structure in Moscow, Idaho are going to have to wait a bit though… The grandchildren aren’t ready for political marriages yet!


New Saint Andrews does cater to people of many different races, though. In fact, you’ve probably seen all of their non-white students in their advertisements!


The state slogan for Idaho is “Famous Potatoes”. New Saint Andrews is making great strides, but they still haven’t quite made it past the ‘potato’ level of prestige. Hopefully, with the new, cleansed leadership, they’ll be able to propel themselves beyond the coveted ‘potato’ level and Idaho can change it’s slogan to ‘Famous Liberal Arts’!


Don’t let the uniforms and Harvard-of-Idaho aspirations fool you, though. New Saint Andrews returns to its roots often. Many people are fans of the conservative icons on Duck Dynasty, and will go on at length about states rights, the virtues of the southern states in the wars of northern aggression, and how slavery wasn’t really that bad.

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Despite the black robes that students are required to wear to official events, very few spells are taught at New Saint Hogwarts school of classicalcraft. In fact, it’s really a homey, friendly one-room-schoolhouse type of atmosphere. Homeschoolers will feel right at home!

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Concerned, wealthy parents shouldn’t worry that their child will ‘fall off the rails’ while they’re at New Saint Andrews. The students are closely monitored. Are you concerned that your child may drift toward liberalism or Catholicism? They have that covered with a zero-tolerance policy toward all other denominations! For those extra concerned parents, there are places available for boarders in the homes of godly, upright, and controlling families within the church! It’ll be like you’re always with them, making sure they avoid harmful new experiences.


Are you worried that your daughter, as a young, headless woman, may become one of those joyless feminazis? Have no fear! At NSA, they understand that women are fundamentally different and and weaker than men, so they’re treated quite differently.


Grades are just numbers, and numbers really aren’t the priority at New Saint Andrews. The wise faculty members there understand that sometimes, individual students need to be taken down a few rungs, regardless of their academic performance.  They are committed to raising your children for you while they’re in their tender college years, and will benevolently assign poor grades to students who are confused about whether or not they agree with their older and wiser professors! Don’t worry, though, students with the right ‘wilsonian’ mindset are rewarded for their wisdom as well!


Above all, it must be remembered that New Saint Andrews is not trying to be a regular run-of-the-mill college. They’re sculpting leaders of their communities, churches, states, and eventually countries. World domination from the base of a Christian Classical education is a top priority. In the culture war that we’re locked into, New Saint Andrews produces excellent soldiers, trained to resist foreign viewpoints and listen to their ordained leaders.


And, don’t forget that our graduates place all over the United States in all sorts of excellent Christian Classical Schools, teaching the things that they have been taught. You might even know one yourself!


They’re everywhere!


25 thoughts on “New Saint Andrews

  1. I do appreciate the humor with which these articles are written. Having spent a good deal of time in Moscow, and around NSA, I can see the truth in a lot of what is said. However, from what I know a few things in this article are wrong.

    1) Why does the girl in the “Mandatory CREC attendance” meme have her hands up? In all my years of attending CREC churches I have never once seen anyone raise a hand. Probably for fear of getting asked to leave the building for drawing attention to themselves.
    2) I haven’t been around NSA in a number of years, but while I was there grades were not, in fact, numbers. They were a series of letters meaning something in Latin. So, in fact, this makes grading arbitrarily even easier!

    (Lest anyone think I’m serious, I am merely making a joke. Truth, but a joke. All in good fun, and the same vein as the rest of this site.)


    • The girl in the “Mandatory CREC Church Attendance” meme is Pensatucky from “Orange is the New Black”. The hands-raising isn’t really the CREC’s thing, but the fervor she demonstrates in the show is very similar.


    • “Why does the girl in the ‘Mandatory CREC attendance’ meme have her hands up? In all my years of attending CREC churches I have never once seen anyone raise a hand. Probably for fear of getting asked to leave the building for drawing attention to themselves.”

      I call BS. The Kult closes its Sunday Morning Drill Session with everyone raising their arms in adoration to the Supreme Leader. Anyone who has “spent a good deal of time in Moscow” would know this.


    • Yeah, i agree with the others here. You’re a moron because during the time you were “spending a good deal of time in Moscow” things were different then they are now. Only a blithering idiot would say something that used to be true but is no longer. If what you say isn’t true now, then you’d do yourself a favor by just not saying anything at all. I agree with Rodney in that I don’t think you spent any time in Moscow. Total BS is saying that you did.


      • @No Longer in Moscow aka Moscow-ite:
        Nice try but you missed. Missed big. This has never been different than it is now. It has always been true. It’s not something that is no longer true.


  2. And with that starement, the Proto-monk Caleb Warner swims the Tiber. I wonder if he realizes it yet?

    Perhaps next he could explain when exactly Wilson sits in the seat of Peter. Er, or, I mean Christ?

    And then perhaps Caleb can explain how that’s possible for a man who has never been ordained by any denomination. Including his own, last I checked.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ouch! God one. You reelly goat me! Thanks for reelly putting me in-line: I almost went two far. Excellent use of polemics. Reelly spoton–and so true two. You reelly no me and you’re use of personal nowledge about me mixed well with you’re love of others.
      You’re reelly two wise. I’d love you too put me in my place in more areas of my thoughts using you’re such good use of polemics! You’re a working class herow: my herow two. Standing up four truth and tearing down the high places of Kultish idoletry: espeshially Douglas Wilson and His Empyre of Moscow. I want two lick you’re mouth, you’re words R so sweet every thyme you comment.


  3. That’s too bad Seth. Booze might offer him an excuse for his lack of argument. But if that’s the case, apparently his education must be lacking. Bucer’s is fun. I have a lot of great memories there. But when I was the manager of Bucer’s, we were pretty disciplined about not letting people get over served so I am comfortable blaming his lack of intelligence instead of his lack of sobriety.

    So with that, I presume you’re trying to make a point. Alas, I can’t find one. Since neither of you have an argument to make, let’s try this on for size: I came to NSA for a legitimate education. Since then, ALL of the professors (meaning people with Doctorates) which drew me to NSA have left. And none of the people either of you cite – who apparently are so awesome – get to share the stage during Moscow’s publicity fairs and conferences. So apparently, they lack market appeal or name recognition. Your undergraduate minds might be impressed with the current faculty, but come on, Peter Leithart gets published in First Things. Who do you have with any serious publishing cred? I’ve NEVER seen any of them anywhere.

    Perhaps a more legitimate explanation is that they aren’t members of the family who runs the college and therefore won’t turn the family who runs the family business a few extra bucks.

    But I understand. I really do. People like Foucachon and others cannot be made to understand truths which would undermine the means of their financial security. Perhaps that is true for Caleb as well. Where would he be outside of Moscow? Surely he would not have a chance of participating in the next turd laid by Kirk Cameron. And if your goal is to be in motion pictures, well, then NSA is clearly the place to be.

    In re: the others who are talking about spending time in Moscow, I was there from fall of 1999 through December 2003. I graduated from NSA with a 3.77 GPA and ran Bucers for two years. I was on the student disciplinary committee in 2003 and voted to expel a student for plagiarism. Too bad Doug Wilson was suffering under the same in his defense of race based slavery at the time and so the leadership suspended our verdict.

    It seems that every year or so there is a new scandal. If you can’t see that, then I suggest you are too busy drinking the Kool Aide.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ouch! God one! You reelly goat me agin!
      If its another argument you want (but your so stoopid two not see my classically-arranjed argument (sea above) I learnt in rhetoric class (I no my stuff so god I hid the argument in whit, as I learnt in rhetoric class (sea above)), its a argument youll get!
      You hate Moscow becuase you are bitted. Plane and simple. Down two the bone. I stay in Moscow becuase I have love and as I learnt in teology class: love is bitter than anger.
      Butt I am so glad you answerved me according to my fooly. I did see a misteak I made in my earleir argument (sea above) witch kneaded address-ing: Moscow isnt an empyre, its a kielbassa. That much is proven from you’re earlier truths (sea above).
      Butt a lass (I take this such good use of strucsure you used four my own benefit (sea above) as I learnt in rhetoric class (steel from the egypshians!): Kool-Aide is reelly spellt Cool-Aid!


  4. Foster: How do you normally tell if someone’s sober? I talked to him right after he wrote the comment and he was perfectly cogent.


    • Seth B: Sometimes it can be difficult when you find someone who defends pedophiles and southern race based slavery as Christian institutions. But if you suffer from said difficulty, you might be an asshole.


  5. Perhaps you were led astray by his love of homonyms. Easy mistake to make in the land of the anti-homo. But if he thinks he’s making a point, the only one I see is that Moscow needs a new Rhetoric teacher.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Or homophones. Either way . . . Clearly there is a closet Caleb needs to come out of. Or, there is a closet from which Caleb needs to escape. Cuz you know, grammar.

    Just like the Banana stand, it’s all in Girard.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Rodney, good question. I didn’t know about the plagiarism till a few years later. But after the full committee voted to expell the plagiarist, none of us understood why someone who copied a term paper and defied the committee didn’t suffer the judgement we had voted on. A few years later, it all made sense.

    Liked by 1 person

    • So Wilson had to redefine the word “plagiarism” to accommodate his theft, which left the student disciplinary committee twisting in the wind, serving no purpose.

      Only in Moscow.


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